The Importance Of Conversation Over A Cup Of Coffee

Welcome back! 

With the love marriage, arranged marriage survey; followed by the statistics and newer definitions of arranged marriage, it is clear that people are changing and the idea of marriage is evolving too. While doing the research on arranged marriage, came across this definition called semi-arranged marriage. This seems the best option these days. Before discussing why to opt for semi arranged marriage let’s see what is the major draw back in the  arranged marriage process. 

The draw back in arranged marriage process can be deciphered just with this single scene from Ilaiyathalapathi’s movie, Thuppakki. After the massive hero introduction song, he is directly kidnapped to the bride’s place by his parents. Kajal Agarwal comes in beautiful vaadamalli colour self bordered silk saree with a contrast ramar Pachai blouse, neatly plaited long hair, flowers kept in an orderly fashion, elegant pearl neck pieces. She is absolutely stunning. After the pleasantries it’s just bajji sojji eating ceremony and the usual ‘I will call and let you know’ dialogue. Even before anything is finalized Vijay is labelled as ‘Mappillai’ by Mano Bala. 

This is what happens in every household in India. People easily get into the conclusions. Kajal Agarwal is bold, beautiful, she exactly fits into the image of the wife that Vijay has in mind. But those two were never allowed to strike a conversation. 

Following the bajji sojji ceremony in the movie, he calls and says he doesn’t like the bride. Kudos to him as he at least takes one decision of rejection rather being a two timer. And Kajal Agarwal just undergoes a massive transformation in her attitude. There too she looks stunning in shorts and pink sleeveless tops with a stole around the neck and free short hair. In the subsequent frames Vijay learns that she is a boxer and isn’t as traditional as she looked that day! And she develops a grudge as he rejected her.


Photo by Jason Villanueva from Pexels

He chases her there after and they fall in love. Had there been a chance for a normal conversation about likes, dislikes; alone in a coffee shop with just the two of them, it would have been a smooth sailing. At least on the terrace. Even before when things are finalized, jumping into conclusions, having a snack ceremony is a headache practically. People feel odd when things don’t go the right way. They feel the efforts are wasted and it causes a lot of tension. There is more pressure in the subsequent alliances.

When a guy and a girl are not allowed to talk before marriage there could be numerous misunderstandings later. ‘Arranged Marriage’ is absolutely tricky. People are not allowed to have a chat but just after marriage in 10 months, people expect grandchildren. This aspect is terrifying rather annoying. 

While there are numerous thoughts, comments on looks like ‘Beauty is just skin deep’, not sure how in a marriage, people aren’t allowed for a chat which speaks about their basic likes and dislikes, non negotiables, core values etc. We can see parents telling their son/daughter “I never talked to your father/mother. Haven’t we sailed through?”. This is a kind of awkward question. We have to make them understand the importance of striking a conversation for the following reasons. 

  • Their core values and yours could not match. Things like veg-non veg differences, drinking habits may create havoc in relationships. These had to be sorted well ahead before getting into relationships. And yes of course about past/ present relationships if you are in one. 
  • Expectations to be discussed to avoid assumptions.Some people like their wife to be independent. If they are clingy people can’t take it. They can speak and let their spouses know the expectations well ahead. Same with girls. They also could have preferences like getting help from husband in household chores. 
  • Sometimes for no reason some people could get a ‘Something is missing’ feel. Do not neglect this cue. Think. Think and think. Give yourself the benefit of doubt. Your body may give some signs, note them. They will not lie. Believe in yourself. Know yourself more before falling for someone. 
  • She or He could be your dream partner. You can fall in love slowly but know that he/she is the one. Don’t miss that chance. Not having a conversation could instill doubts in a relationship. Clear the air with confidence.

So, having a conversation is like ‘A stitch in time saves nine’. But be open. Accept rejections but do not take them personally. Such meetings tell a lot about people. It also shows what you think about yourself after a rejection. Keep working on yourself. More posts to come on the Importance of working on oneself for a relationship.

Semi Arranged marriages is where one can know more about oneself than others. Convince parents to have a good conversation. It can save loads of time and energy.

As Sujatha says “Tamilnadu vae cinema la muzhgi iruku sir”. Give them this particular example from Thuppaki to your parents and convince them to have a conversation in the marriage process. You can save a lot of time and energy by asking the right questions and getting the right answers.

Best wishes! We are here to be and create Happy Families by discovering ourselves! 🙂

With Love,

Rukmini P Kirthivasan

Indian Marriages – Preferences and Statistics

Thank you all for taking part in the survey. As per the survey, most people prefer love marriage in India. Some people took time to clarify why they had chosen love marriage over arranged and shared their own definitions of love and arranged marriages. From the messages and surveys it is clear that people are not okay for a marriage where they are forced. Seems there is more fear in getting married. Especially arranged marriage.

As per the survey in Instagram the poll results are: 81% prefer Love marriage and only 19% prefer arranged marriage.

Poll Results from Instagram

As per the poll in the Happy Indian Family page on Fb, 57% prefer love and 43% prefer arranged marriage. Quite close.

Poll Results from Facebook

These are preferences. But the Statistics of World of Weddings, as per 2nd December 2019, says that, 90% of marriages in India are arranged. There is a huge difference in the sample survey and the actual Statistics. The conversation rate of preference of love marriage to happening in real time is very less. There could be various reasons and let’s discuss the possible reasons in the coming posts. 

This conversation rate tells somewhere there is a miss in carrying love forward. And there are various definitions of love, arranged marriages. In the above mentioned survey by World of Weddings, they had mentioned about the latest trends and the changes in definitions; To put in a better fashion, revised definitions. 

Love marriage definition is clear and no revisions are made. It’s point blank. Arranged marriage has different types. The term arranged marriage is said to be the one where parents decide and no option or difference of opinion is considered from the bride or the groom according to the survey. And there is this new term called ‘semi arranged marriage’. In this, parents would see probable matches but the decision is left to the individuals. These are the revised definitions in Arranged marriages. 


Photo by Kaushal Moradiya from Pexels

When questioned about marriage to gen z of India there are mixed opinions but in all cases people expect that there shouldn’t be too much pressure from parents’ side. For the current trend and for a healthy relationship in any century be it love or arranged call it semi arranged taking responsibility is the key. As per the current definition, wish parents bring in proposals and do the background check and leave the decision to the bride and the groom will make them accountable and avoid blame shifting. 

Times are changing. People can’t be as innocent as the darling writer Ruskin Bond. In one of his interviews he stated that he isn’t married because he didn’t have a family (after the death of his father/grandparents) to arrange an alliance for him! So sad! But such is the legacy in India. But with changing trends, both parents and the eligible bachelors/bachelorettes should evolve and parents should refrain from pressurizing and children should take responsibility so that there are many happy Indian families living happily ever after.

In the future posts there will be posts related to ‘How to get ready for marriage? And How to enjoy the marriage process?’. The preparations start much ahead during college days even well before college days. Stay tuned to have a nostalgic ride as you prepare for your big day!

Loads of Love to you! 

Rukmini P Kirthivasan

References:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/world-of-weddings-in-india-arranged-marriages-are-as-strong-as-ever/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.vice.com/amp/en_in/article/7x5vae/heres-what-indias-gen-z-really-thinks-about-arranged-marriage

Starting A Family

Happy New year! 🙂 Hope you are doing well! I would like to share what will be up here in this blog for 2020.

This year, the blog will host ‘Series Writing’. Not clear? Well, let me explain. The series’ title is going to be ‘Starting A Family’ and there are going to be different posts underneath it. 

Starting a family is a real daunting task. While starting a new job is more of social status infused with economy; starting a family is more emotional plus the social and economy aspects! 

Agree? 

The institution of marriage in reality is portrayed as something to feel bad! Getting married is losing their freedom for guys and for girls is sacrificing their passion and dreams! This is how marriage is defined over years. The idea of marriage on the whole is something when happened people feel trapped and when it gets delayed people feel bad. These kind of push and pull thoughts creates an enormous amount of pressure on the process.

So, getting ready for marriage amongst the pressure from distant relatives, parents, friends, on top of all, social media posts and just like icing on the cake is the pressure from ourselves. The resistance that one creates in mind in the name of resentment, fear etc. becomes the major obstacle.

So, in this blog there are going to be series of posts on The Big Day of your life. 


Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels .

On seeing the pre wedding shoots in the news feed it could seem like a bed of roses and one might beat themselves up for not taking the decision of getting married; But in reality certain amount of work needs to be done to get there. To handle the various pressure from different sources, primarily the pressure we put on ourselves have to be lifted. And to lift this pressure we have to help ourselves before seeking help or jumping into the blame shifting game. Because always a certain amount of knowledge of where we stand in mental state could definitely help us from getting overwhelmed. 

So knowing oneself is the first step in getting married. Sometimes, we would be our own enemy in the process and we would be blaming parents, horoscopes, situations etc. To ensure that we are our best friend, fall back in the pressure cooker process of Arranged Marriage in Indian Society it would be the best bet to know oneself!

So please tune to www.happyindianfamily.com for Part 1 of ‘Starting A Family’ which is ‘Knowing Yourself’ series! Every week there is going to be minimum of one post on the blog on aspects related to family!

Comments and Experiences are most welcome people!! Please share them without hesitation so that we can grow together as one cannot experience all things in this world but can read them and get to know! Catch you in next post! 

Until then, loads of love to one and all.

With Love,

Rukmini P Kirthivasan