The Importance Of Conversation Over A Cup Of Coffee

Welcome back! 

With the love marriage, arranged marriage survey; followed by the statistics and newer definitions of arranged marriage, it is clear that people are changing and the idea of marriage is evolving too. While doing the research on arranged marriage, came across this definition called semi-arranged marriage. This seems the best option these days. Before discussing why to opt for semi arranged marriage let’s see what is the major draw back in the  arranged marriage process. 

The draw back in arranged marriage process can be deciphered just with this single scene from Ilaiyathalapathi’s movie, Thuppakki. After the massive hero introduction song, he is directly kidnapped to the bride’s place by his parents. Kajal Agarwal comes in beautiful vaadamalli colour self bordered silk saree with a contrast ramar Pachai blouse, neatly plaited long hair, flowers kept in an orderly fashion, elegant pearl neck pieces. She is absolutely stunning. After the pleasantries it’s just bajji sojji eating ceremony and the usual ‘I will call and let you know’ dialogue. Even before anything is finalized Vijay is labelled as ‘Mappillai’ by Mano Bala. 

This is what happens in every household in India. People easily get into the conclusions. Kajal Agarwal is bold, beautiful, she exactly fits into the image of the wife that Vijay has in mind. But those two were never allowed to strike a conversation. 

Following the bajji sojji ceremony in the movie, he calls and says he doesn’t like the bride. Kudos to him as he at least takes one decision of rejection rather being a two timer. And Kajal Agarwal just undergoes a massive transformation in her attitude. There too she looks stunning in shorts and pink sleeveless tops with a stole around the neck and free short hair. In the subsequent frames Vijay learns that she is a boxer and isn’t as traditional as she looked that day! And she develops a grudge as he rejected her.


Photo by Jason Villanueva from Pexels

He chases her there after and they fall in love. Had there been a chance for a normal conversation about likes, dislikes; alone in a coffee shop with just the two of them, it would have been a smooth sailing. At least on the terrace. Even before when things are finalized, jumping into conclusions, having a snack ceremony is a headache practically. People feel odd when things don’t go the right way. They feel the efforts are wasted and it causes a lot of tension. There is more pressure in the subsequent alliances.

When a guy and a girl are not allowed to talk before marriage there could be numerous misunderstandings later. ‘Arranged Marriage’ is absolutely tricky. People are not allowed to have a chat but just after marriage in 10 months, people expect grandchildren. This aspect is terrifying rather annoying. 

While there are numerous thoughts, comments on looks like ‘Beauty is just skin deep’, not sure how in a marriage, people aren’t allowed for a chat which speaks about their basic likes and dislikes, non negotiables, core values etc. We can see parents telling their son/daughter “I never talked to your father/mother. Haven’t we sailed through?”. This is a kind of awkward question. We have to make them understand the importance of striking a conversation for the following reasons. 

  • Their core values and yours could not match. Things like veg-non veg differences, drinking habits may create havoc in relationships. These had to be sorted well ahead before getting into relationships. And yes of course about past/ present relationships if you are in one. 
  • Expectations to be discussed to avoid assumptions.Some people like their wife to be independent. If they are clingy people can’t take it. They can speak and let their spouses know the expectations well ahead. Same with girls. They also could have preferences like getting help from husband in household chores. 
  • Sometimes for no reason some people could get a ‘Something is missing’ feel. Do not neglect this cue. Think. Think and think. Give yourself the benefit of doubt. Your body may give some signs, note them. They will not lie. Believe in yourself. Know yourself more before falling for someone. 
  • She or He could be your dream partner. You can fall in love slowly but know that he/she is the one. Don’t miss that chance. Not having a conversation could instill doubts in a relationship. Clear the air with confidence.

So, having a conversation is like ‘A stitch in time saves nine’. But be open. Accept rejections but do not take them personally. Such meetings tell a lot about people. It also shows what you think about yourself after a rejection. Keep working on yourself. More posts to come on the Importance of working on oneself for a relationship.

Semi Arranged marriages is where one can know more about oneself than others. Convince parents to have a good conversation. It can save loads of time and energy.

As Sujatha says “Tamilnadu vae cinema la muzhgi iruku sir”. Give them this particular example from Thuppaki to your parents and convince them to have a conversation in the marriage process. You can save a lot of time and energy by asking the right questions and getting the right answers.

Best wishes! We are here to be and create Happy Families by discovering ourselves! 🙂

With Love,

Rukmini P Kirthivasan

Author: Rukmini P Kirthivasan

Love Emotions and Penning Down. Believes in Love, Trust, Faith, Goodness, Greatness, The Universe. Thinks that Family is the root and teaches things that schools or grad schools don't teach and at the end of the day World Is One Family - 'Vasudhaiva Kudumbakam' in Sanskrit.

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